Theatre Etiquette For Dummies

Alright, people. It took all my grace and composure to not clunk two geriatrics’ heads together like Moe the other night.

Here’s a little primer on theatre etiquette for everyone out there. If you are at the theatre and you are not on stage but are sitting in the audience with a program in your hands then KEEP YOUR BIG FAT MOUTH SHUT. What is so hard to understand here? The actors are getting paid to speak. Not you.

All night long, these two old farts were talking right behind us. They were constantly asking each other, “Who is that?” or “Is that boy dead?” It’s not like we were watching Shakespeare, it was the freaking Miracle Worker. Then he would have to ask her, “What did she say?” Well, if you would keep your freaking dentures still for 5 seconds, you could hear what the actors were saying.

And they couldn’t keep the characters straight. It wasn’t that the play was complicated; these blue hairs were just morons. For example, it wasn’t until halfway through Act Two, after several references to the fact, that they finally understood that the only older male actor on stage was playing Helen Keller’s father. Who the crap did you think he was? Matlock?

And to make it worse, every 5 to 10 minutes someone in our vicinity would let loose the most foul silent-but-deadly fart into the air. Is it that hard to keep the O-Ring clenched for a couple hours? All show long. Talk talk fart. Talk talk fart.

You are at the theatre. This is a public place. You are not in your front room watching a DVD. Pull your heads out of your ADD butts and realize that while at the theatre you need to shut up, pay attention, and keep all your holes shut.